Ultra limited-edition ungrooved album

This fake record was produced at the fake speed of 64rpm so you are going to have to go out and buy a fancy DJ turntable that does 78rpm and then pitch shift it down to try to reach 64.  Spoiler alert: It's still going to sound bad.

Oh, you wanna return it??? Dude, if you ship it back to us, I swear to gawd we will ship it right back at you!  Don't even try it, we have more stamps than you do!!

It will get there when it gets there!